21 hilarious jokes about Scotland and the Scots

Chic Murray, Stanley Baxter, Billy Connolly, Frankie Boyle, Kevin Bridges, Limmy, Janey Godley, Fern Brady, Craig Ferguson, Jerry Sadowitz… the list goes on.

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And one of their – and our – favorite subjects to eliminate mickey are the Scots.

So here are 21 great jokes about Scots – by Scots.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and winter. (Billy Connolly)

What do you call a man from Glasgow who has lost his dog?

Kevin Bridges

Glasgow is a very negative place. If Kanye had been born in Glasgow, he would have been called No You Cannae. (Frankie Boyle)

A man walks into a pub in Glasgow and asks for a pint of lager with a squeeze of lime.

“We don’t make cocktails,” replies the bartender.

What did the Scot do with the trumpet buried in his garden?

Frankie Boyle.

He rooted it. (Sanjeev Kohli)

What’s a Scottish snack to look forward to?

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles into the chair.

“Comfortable?” asks the dentist.

Scotland have the only football team in the world that takes a turn of disgrace. (Billy Connolly)

There will be many people watching who will wonder what a real Scot wears under his kilt, and I can tell you that a real Scot will never tell you what he wears under his kilt.

It will show you at a glance. (Fred MacCaulay)

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath and everything he can get his hands on. (Chic Murray)

What is the difference between Scotland and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays longer in the cup.

Why doesn’t Scottish Mickey Mouse use his helicopter anymore?

I saw an article online asking if the Scots are as tight as people say, but unfortunately it was behind a paywall. I would never know. (Christopher Macarthur-Boyd)

An Englishman said to a Scotsman, “Take away your mountains, your dales, and your lochs, and what have you got?”

“England,” replied the Scotsman.

The good thing about Glasgow is that if there is a nuclear attack, it will look exactly the same afterwards. (Billy Connolly)

I went to the butcher to buy a leg of lamb.

“Is that Scotch?” I asked.

“Why?” said the butcher in response, “Are you going to talk to him or eat him?” “.

“In that case, do you have wild duck?” »

“No”, he replied, “but I have one that I could make worse for you” (Chic Murray)

Three of us went to a fancy dress party in Glasgow last night dressed as a giant sandwich.

We managed to get home in one piece. (Sanjeev Kohli)

Edinburgh and Glasgow: same country, very different cities. In Edinburgh, when a shot rings out, it is one o’clock. (Kevin Bridges)

The Scottish football manager thinks tactics are a new kind of mint. (Billy Connolly)

The city of Glasgow was recently declared the Murder Capital of Europe, but was also voted the friendliest city in the UK. In the same week. We agreed immediately. (Kevin Bridges)

I asked a Scotsman today why he wore those skirts.

He replied “the last guy who called it a skirt, had a kilt”.

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